This is Nathan. I don’t know how often I’ll post to this blog, but I had a dream that April wanted me to document. It really wasn’t a very big deal, but it was my first dream yet about adoption. All I really remember was that somebody brought an Ethiopian boy to our house. I don’t think they do hand deliveries in reality, but that’s how I remember the dream. The baby boy was really cute and April and I were both very excited. I don’t really remember much else about it. I think it is a good sign that my subconscious is happy about the adoption. Whether that means anything, I don’t know, but it’s still nice.

Blogging for me has never been about things that I think should remain private. I shake my head at some of the things people dare to write, but then again, I might just be misunderstanding their motives. April has decided that we need a blog to document the adoption process, which is not something that I would normally want the world to know, but in this case I think I can go with it. I still am unsure if I will get into intensely personal things, but I’d like to write enough that I’ll remember these things later on. In my mind, that’s the purpose of the blog – so we will remember. It’s not for anybody else, though anybody can read if it they so choose.

Some of my initial unwillingness probably stems from my hesitance to talk in detail about what we’ve gone through up until now in trying to have our first child. Most of the time I choose not to talk about it, but  if I’m honest with myself, I can’t deny there has been a lot of anger and frustration. There have been times when I’ve felt happy after forcing myself to. I understand I need to do better at coming to terms with what has happened; even thanking God that we’ve been through what we have. It’s just not as easy as I’d like it to be.

I’m at an age where I can’t escape talk of pregnancy. I’ve tried, believe me, but I live in Utah. If I were in a different situation, I might look at all the talk in a different light. But when you are denied something that everybody else receives, sometimes all too easily, it wears thin. It becomes extremely difficult to smile when you hear of someone’s new happy news. The right thing to do is to wish them well, to wish them the best. But then my sense of fairness asks me why. At times I would feel that anger. Other times I would tell myself I didn’t care. I probably feel most regretful about sometimes having a total lack of sympathy when I would hear of the couple (or the thousand couples) who vented about having “tried” for five or six months without success. That’s hard and I know it, but it made me mad more often than not. I should always have been, and should always be better at mourning with those who mourn. After all, there are those who have it worse than me.

I have been trying harder to turn my attitude around. It’s still true that few know what this feels like, but others do. I don’t want to be pitied, nor do I want to be bitter. My choice in attitude is my own. I now have a very exciting adoption process to look forward to. WE have an exciting process to look forward to. April has had it harder than me, and she’s the one who has made all this happen so far. So I know it will be good for her as well. I don’t know if it will happen this year like we hope it will, but it will happen. We have already waited a long time, so we’ll be ok as long as we are moving forward with the process. When it’s done, maybe we’ll do it again, who knows.

So those are my opening statements. Here’s to hoping things happen sooner than later.